White Power 2: More Whiter

White History Month. It's a thing brought up every February (i.e. Black History Month) by white people who question why they themselves don't have a special month.

By the technicalities of this thing we call "equality" we should all have a history month.

"But Kyle, that's socialist!" Shut up, Generic Republican 1. You like throwing that term around almost as much as you like throwing your nuclear-fueled dicks of death around.

"Coming" for you.

As I was saying, in a completely equal society, I'd think there'd be a White History Month. Or at the least the chance to have a White History Month. Ya know, we try it one year and if it doesn't work, we drop the idea. Something like that, right?

My bullshit meter is going off.
I know that joke doesn't make much sense, I just wanted to use it.

You best check your privilege now because I'm about to drop some heavy stuff on you.

As my man TayTay(she's a female by the way. What, females can't be men? Check your privilege.) has pointed out to me numerous times, including just now, before:

Yes, I used pink. I like the color.

So that's what this "equality" thing boils down to; either we give everyone a month (something that's highly improbable) or give give no one a month (much easier!). Now, I'm sure someone is going to bitch about it, but everyone has to make sacrifices, right? Right. Let's get on with the rest of this thing, shall we?

In my humble, but correct, opinion, there doesn't need to be a white history month.

"But Kyle," you as Angry White Hipster 1 (who's actually learned to work with Generic Republican 1; aren't I magical like that?) begin to angrily text on your white iPhone, "if blacks and Mexicans have their own months, why can't white people?" To which I say you, sir and/or madam, need to look a little more closely at history because...

We

Run

This

Bitch.

And here's a few other people to boot.

Also this guy, but he's just really cool.

Don't you get it, white people?

Every other month is white history month. 

You may not be conscience of it, but most history taught today (or at least in 'Murrica) is white history - for white people, by white people. Now now, I know you're getting ready to contradict me, but let's just cover some things that our history books commonly cover:

• The presidents; the first 43 are white, the 44th is half white.
• The Indians were here. They actually weren't white. But white people did take the land.
• Blacks were enslaved by whites. See the point above.
• During the second industrial revolution, pretty much everyone who got rich was white. (People like J.P. Morgan, John Rockefeller, and Andrew Carnegie.)
• White people usually created the important inventions (electricity, the telephone, ore refining processes, anything to do with the arts) while other races are more or less nodded at.
• The Enlightenment Period, the teaching of which tends to ignore any eastern teachings.
• How the east pretty much had more advanced technology for a good portion of time.
• And probably a few more I can't think of.

Think fast: why are there any other history months any way?

Because the white man said there could be. True, things like black history week and even the early idea we know as black history month were all initiated by blacks, but it was a white guy who had the final say. Sure, that might just be me fabricating details to make a point (when isn't it?) but it sounds a lot more menacing, doesn't it?

Not only that, but white people pretty much conquered the world. Can't we handle a little flak, white folks, for the kind of accomplishment? I mean, it may not something to be entirely proud of, but it's still there. If black people can take pride in a woman who created hair-care products, why can't I be proud of my race ruling everything?

Wow. I sound like an old racist now.

"We're proud of you, Kyle!"

You aren't special and don't have a mental disorder.

You know what really grinds my gears?

A giant shredder?

Close, but no. (That's actually just really awesome.) No, it's the people who claim they "have OCD [sic]."

"But Kyle," you're already trying to justify your stupidity, "I really do have OCD. I can't stand it when people leave little marks on a chalkboard."

Hold the fuck up right there. That's not even close to what an obsessive compulsive disorder is. But you know, I'll give you the shadow of a doubt; I'll just think you haven't had the proper education to fully understand just what it means to have obsessive compulsive disorder. Now come, let Kyle teach you the ways of not being stupid.

If this bothers you at all, then I'm not even going to bother because
you're beyond hope.

In my personal experience, definitions are always the best places to start. For this, I'll quote the glory that is Wikipedia:

Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry;

"BUTKYLEBUTKYLEBUTKYLE," Jesus Christ. Don't even start... "Seeing unerased marks on a chalkboard and not having every gumball of the same color in the same spot does make me uneasy and cause me to fear and worry!" No, you're just a twit who doesn't know how to act rationally. And you see that semicolon? Right there, at the end of the quote? That, for you uncultured swine (I don't know why I say that, considering the semicolon is pretty much a dying piece of punctuation), means there is more to the quote. Shall we continue?

by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing the associated anxiety; or by a combination of such obsessions and compulsions.

Wait... You hear that?

"But Kyyyyllllleeeee," Dammit.

"I dooooooo repeat behaviors like hyperventilate and act pretentious and make a big deal out of literally nothing."

Like I said, you're just a twit.

You see, people who actually have the disorder do such things as:

• Excessively wash (a common examples is washing the hands an exact number of times)
• Repeatedly checking on things
• Extreme hoarding (not to be confused with A&E's new reality contest show "Xtreme Hoarders"
• Sex (a lot)
• Avert to numbers (Revelation be damned!)
• And consistently perform nervous rituals

 I'm just going to go out on a limb -- just ball-parking here -- and say that you don't even come close to manifesting any of those symptoms. No, don't even try to say the first one applies because you take a shower everyday or the second because you don't want your baby to be smothered by the cat. No, Mr. Hot Shit, just because you claim to have tons and tons of sex doesn't mean you have an OCD. (Unless being full of shit, like your name suggests, is one of the symptoms and I just missed it.) Again, you're all twits for even thinking this.

And you know what's the saddest part of all? People seem to embrace this; they actively express that they "have OCD [sic]" and then laugh about it like they're having a fit of ganja-induced giggle fit. 

And then this happens.

Still think you're obsessive compulsive? Well, if you are/happen to be professionally diagnosed, then this entire rant really didn't apply to you and I hope all of the idiots in the world learn to stop being idiots (not sure how that would actually happen. If you aren't diagnosed, don't do any repetitive actions based on illogical fears, and think you're obsessive compulsive, then I'm sorry, but you're a complete idiot and I hope this entire rant hurt your feelings.

I'm not saying mental disorders can't be funny -- everything can be funny -- just that it's stupid when you think you have a disorder without knowing anything about anything.